Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
very niche meme I made
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
✌🏽
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
He wanted to make sure😂
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.