Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You Might Also Like
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.