*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Just so funny