A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
crying
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
smartest karate player in the world
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her