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I sexually identify as a hand grenade
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.