Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Cake safety first. Always.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff