Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
2022 be like
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.