I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
You Might Also Like
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Steam Forums
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.