You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.