[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me driving through Toronto
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.