My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
He-man has a Masters degree
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron