Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…