The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it