me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.