Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
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Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker