Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
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Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
knights of the ikea table
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”