I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
guys I’m going home
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers