ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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Siri: Retweet me.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
TODAY
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.