guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
felt that
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do đź‘‘
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.