Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This why you should mind your business
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.