I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
what’s really going on
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!