My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
ugh not again
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.