Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Not recommended for beginners.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*