Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.