If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
cause of death:
autopsy.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”