found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
#SaturdayBears
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am