Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Become a minion. Get that bread.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
are they though??
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie