Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity