My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
These aren’t even hard anymore.