“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
The Assassin.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*