not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”