For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.