My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
🤣🤣
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I beg your pardon?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta