*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
😂😂😂
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.