Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.