The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
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Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”