My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus