I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If only
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Y’all ready for this
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?