Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
When you’re Kinky but poor
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.