I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
You Might Also Like
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
When ur friends with white people
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I love twitter