son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me sliding into hell like
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Labreador
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.