Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
You Might Also Like
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
As the Lord intended
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Message from the dog groomers
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.