*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
“We will wed,” I threatened
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
When you’ve simply given up.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*