My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.