My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life