Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that