If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
how to have an accident 101
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.