The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Storm Tropical Storm
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Denise please return my vape pen
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.