If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*