No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
You Might Also Like
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
yeah no that’s fair
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.